A mantra for college kids and especially their parents.
The most helpful phase in the college process is “you can do hard things”. There is a sense that once the grades are completed, exams are done, applications are submitted and schools chosen, that whew – we made it! However in many ways, the hard part is just beginning.
Science has shown that challenging yourself and confronting failure and difficult times (as long as not traumatic) promote brain plasticity and make us stronger. If we can develop a growth mindset, it brings with it a confidence that we have and can overcome hard things.
Learning to live in a dorm room with a stranger, balancing a very open schedule, getting used to being a small fish in a large pond, missing family and pets and the comforts of home, and trying to find “our people” are all hard things. The first 6 weeks of college is particularly difficult in this regard and kids often have a sense of FOMO seeing their peers on Instagram curating their posts to show them living their best lives. There is pressure to find a group as close as their high school friends; or if they did not have a group in high school, this was meant to be my time for a fresh start. It is easy in this transitional time to adulthood to feel these are supposed to be the best years of my life. You are not alone – these years are hard, deepening, enlightening, independent, informing, challenging and triumphant. But rarely all at once, and rarely in a balance that feels comfortable. The phrase “you can do hard things” is to remind you that it is ok to live in the uncomfortable. Mindfulness reminds us that just by saying and acknowledging that uncomfortable feeling we begin to diffuse it and take away its power – particularly if we can say, “I am uncomfortable now.”
For parents, this reminder can be particularly hard – it feels uncomfortable at minimum to see your child struggle or hear them say they are unhappy, or cry, or talk about transferring schools in those first few weeks. What we as parents can do is acknowledge this is hard, and reassure them that this is common for many entering college, and let them know you believe in them – they can do hard things.
It is important to help them find the solutions for themselves – i.e. have they been to the professor about an academic struggle, have they joined a club to meet people with common interests, have they found a happy place on campus to go to to recharge, have they done something they typically think of as fun, or have they gone to student mental health for support? Almost always the answers to our children’s challenges lie within them, and if they don’t, it is their time to struggle to find them. When we give our children all the answers and suggestions it takes away their power and sense of accomplishment and may even inadvertently give them something to push back or rebel against, making an otherwise good suggestion further out of reach. It is painful and at the very least uncomfortable to witness their loneliness, lack of connection, their upset or struggle. But you can do hard things too. Remember that often a child will reach out to you crying or upset and the act of doing so will relieve some anxiety and then they go off on their merry way while you are left holding their feelings.
If you are seriously concerned or see red flags or self-harm, then it is time to intervene and receive mental health support; otherwise, you and they can do hard things, and you will both grow that muscle while your child is away.